When Fortune Shifts: Reflections on Career Crossroads and Inner Doubt
2025 is going against me. Economic conditions and global political uncertainty are getting in the way of my getting freelance work. Property sales are introducing their own complications. All is weighing on me, so my getaways are curtailed. Plans for a summer break are under question given all that surrounds me.
In contrast, 2024 feels heavenly with its break for sorting out other things in my life. There were opportunities for catching on different outdoor havens in Scotland, France and Ireland, too. Now, all that feels a world away. Has good fortune turned to misfortune? It certainly appears as though that is the case. It is as if hubris and goodwill meet unyielding reality.
After working my way through a to-do list, it is the waiting game that is frustrating me. The deeper explorations of Buddhism and Christianity are never more needed as they are now. At least, that is something beyond what I had before the onset of the pandemic.
Lack of interview success is casting my mind back to 2000, when I was seeking my first job after university. That generally is a tough errand, and took months between figuring out the job market and what my offer was. Now, my extensive experience is not working as well for me as in 2010, 2018 or even 2020. It is harder to make connections when you are dealing with people who have not met you before.
Thus, I am reviewing my career situation, unsure as to when to call a halt to my freelancing to do something else. Pivoting to another business area or even returning to education are thoughts in my mind, as much as returning to employment. Balancing the possibility of conference attendance in May versus not waiting that long is a conundrum.
Figuring out one's offer against the backdrop of what others need remains a challenge. Then, there is your focus: make it too narrow and opportunities do not come your way; make it too broad, and you are not specific enough for someone's requirements. Add in a lengthy set of career experiences, only to get confounded as to what to select in response to a question, especially when they come from a while ago. These are the dilemmas.
None of this is a good accompaniment to a pervading sense of imposter syndrome that bedevils any attempt at self-confidence. Introversion and high sensitivity do not help either. Constant rejection only fuels self-doubt.
One rues how long they have spent doing other things, concerned about how long they have been away from professional work and worrying about the experience all going out of date. Resilience does not come easy with all that goes through your mind. Radio Non-stop Thought can be unhelpful; spiritual practices that launch you away from your funk to see things more clearly and let ideas come that otherwise would not be detected.
Now, I close these thoughts with a sort of truncation. Hope is scarce, right now. Decisions are needed, from me and from others. Maybe talking things over will help. It feels beyond seeing what happens.
